About a year ago, my mom died. She was in her mid- seventies, and smoking while on oxygen, and basically set herself ablaze. For about a year or so before her death, her health was failing and in an odd way, we became closer. I think in the last three or four yeas, as she became weaker and less scary, I became stronger and less needy for motherly affection. We could talk in a way we couldn’t before, possibly because I had no expectations any longer that she was going to grant me some sort of love.
As a child, one of my biggest fantasies was to become an orphan. It isn’t that I wanted my parents to die, but I did feel that their death would stop the anxiety I always felt about their impending deaths. I know that sounds strange, but it is sort of like driving and seeing headlights coming toward you on the other side of the road and being worried that someone might cross the center line and hit you head on, so instead you find yourself going toward those lights. Maybe I am the only one that feels this sometimes. :-) Although, I doubt that. One thing I have learned in my 52 years is that nothing you feel or experience is all that unique.
While growing up, my father was ill with MS (mulitple sclerosis) and my mom probably handled it as best she could, but between them both I suffered witnessing a lot of suicide attempts and crazy stuff that no kid should ever have to endure. I’m quite certain that all this had something to do with my spanking kink, maybe not the start of it, but certainly its perpetuation.
But anyway, I just decided this morning that I should mention this, as it is “news” and it is about me, and now that I am an orphan finally – I feel rather content and at peace.
zprymantis








